I haven't written anything for a while in this blog. I guess, my life is boring, and there's nothing to share during those times. I've done same things every day.

Since it's been a while, now, I decided to write something. 
First, about my condition. I think, having this new trial treatment I have this moment - it helps my body somehow. I used to have blood transfusions, two to four-week intervals, but now, I could manage 'till six to eight-week intervals. I can stand a bit longer than before - my legs started to handle my weight and need not find any chair to support me. But of course, I would prefer to have a chair. My sugar level is at normal count. I now drink soft drinks and eat sweets. My creatinine level is also at normal count. I can eat burgers, fries, everything I want to. There is no special diet I am into at this moment.

I feel perfectly fine, but of course, I'm still transfusion dependent. I guess this is my life. Been like this for 9 years and counting, and I haven't felt this freedom, relief in my entire battle than today.

As I can recall, the last time, the most serious circumstance was when my gums came out almost ahead of my teeth - that every time I brush it bleeds. Aside from this one, there were bone particles came out of my mouth. Lastly, I had halitosis. 
Every morning, as I woke up, I felt heavy. I don't feel like getting up and prepare myself for the day. I'm always lonely.

After taking this trial treatment  - since my case or condition has a trial and error treatment -  I felt different. I am always happy, that's one thing. I woke up every morning having a smile on my face; looking forward to this day. I still easily get tired, but I can handle myself well now. I am losing weight slowly and feel a bit lighter.

One of my problems, though, is transfusion because the nurses are having a hard time finding the veins to connect my IV. There are times, it took them a couple of hits, and it was really painful. I also heard, from one of the nurses, to get a port - searched about this and found out its called "implanted venous access port". Apparently, I don't want to have something like this one. My reason is, I'm trying to lessen my transfusion - hoping that one day, I won't even need this transfusion. Also, I think, having that port will just make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

What I hated about this condition is not having a stable job to earn money. I'm trying freelancing, but with no luck to a really high compensated job. I don't have the skills, and still need to learn, which I am trying to do now.

About freelancing, I guess, I really have to improve. I need to study hard. I'm still clueless of what skills to improve and to focus on. I just hope I have someone who could train me with bookkeeping, transcriptions, etc. I know there are online tutorials, but with no luck of where to find the right one. Most of the tutorials need payment for their services and I have nothing. I'm just relying on video tutorials that sometimes not enough for the skills I want to improve. The verdict, still unimproved.

I'm also losing hope as I always received a failure notice for every test I tried. I told myself, I'm not really good with anything. I can't even write well. I don't know anything about punctuation, grammar, or anything about English writing. But still, I am here, trying to write in English; trying to create my blog again. (But need not worry, as I'm asking help with Grammarly).

Another thing that bothers me, is being afraid, scared of interviews. I don't know, I guess I'm just more confident in writing than speaking. You can ask help of  Grammarly for your writing, but as we speak, there are times we are misinterpreted with what we say. So, I am a bit scared.

But, I know, I shouldn't go to the flow of being scared. I should prepare myself. I should not let myself be scared of everything. Being tough, brave, and confidence is what we need. I should start memorizing this as my body needs to digest these words.

Right now, I still hope that one day, I'll find a job and earn well for a living. May the Lord help me with this. With the Lord's guidance, I know He will lead me to the right path.

march 12 2015

its so frustrating that you know you are the reason why thîngs now become complicated but still theres nothing you can do. that no matter how you think of it you re the reason why they struggle. its so hard to see them stressed out because they have nothing. that even for food is a big problem to them. how i wish i can help them i really want to help them but how. i really dont know right now what to do. im a liability now for my family. its so hard for me i do hope theres something i can do to help them i really have to think of something or else we will not eat anymore.

March 3 2015

Everytime I feel so depressed I just think of things that will make me feel fine. I don't want to think negatively as it wouldn't help me at all. I'm trying to think good things for me to be well. I admit at first I used to think na I wanna die or something, that I can't take my condition anymore but that was before, I think in my early fights but now, No way I wanna fight for my family. I wanna fight because I still want to do something for them. Yun nga lang things are so difficult for us for the present. As financially we're struggling. As of present we're having problems even in finding money for our food. I really don't know what to do now to help my family.. My blogs always contain this that we are now struggling financially. Hay life... I can't even go out la budget but that's fine what's important is that I'm ok and alive that's what my mom says... She keeps on saying that. Even though we're struggling still I'm alive and she thinks that's what important... I just wish we can still survive this.... GOD WILL PROVIDE I know and we're just giving surrendering everything to the Lord. I know He's helping us. In God's time I know I'll be well...  

Feb 27 2015

Life right now for us is so difficult. Having financial problem is really hard. My mom is really having hard time thinking of where to get some money for our food and other expenses especially my medicines. Having Aplastic Anemia is so hard in lot of aspects especially financially. It saddens me that we have to suffer like this. My parents don't deserve to experience this. I know I shouldn't but been thinking that why do we have to experience this kind of predicament. I know I shouldn't ask why, but there are times I'm asking why do we have this predicament. Its really difficult for us. Hard to think of things to do to support this family. Moods are affected already. I know there are people who don't believe that we are suffering financially, but yes we are. Its hard to think of ways to find money, its hard to think of where to get money for food and other expenses. Expenses are there monthly, and so as my medicines. Been asking help luckily somewhat there is but there are times no help at all. I know I shouldn't just wait for some help but what should I do. If only I still have my strength I will do something about this. But everytime I work, I'm so stress and it affects my hemoglobin. I just hope there are something I can do to help my family with this. I really want to help them. God will provide, they say. Its true and I believe in that. I'm not losing hope, I know He's here to help. God pls help us... 

In another topic, even though I'm disapproved again to google ads, I will still continue writing my notes here in my blog. It lessen the stress I have by sharing my thoughts... THis is my personal notes and more often than not it includes about my feelings and emotions so I guess it doesn't qualify in their category. They want something the readers will learn and I guess my notes don't qualify to it... That's fine I guess, there's nothing I can do ... 

Death Feb 20 2015

DEATH

I just wonder if I die will there be people going to cry, will there be people going to my wake, will there be people going to be sad because i'm gone. Well I just thought of it last night. It's not that I'm losing hope nope of course not, i'm still fighting, it just came to my mind since I wouldn't know if there be people loving me and will be sad if I left. I'm just curious. I don't know why. I'm always curious about everything and one of which is how many people will be sad if you left. I just wish I touched lots of people's lives for them to be sad when I left. It's not that I want them to be sad or what its just I wanna know that I touched people's lives, that somewhat I managed them to love me as me. I love to know but will never have an answer to this curiousity. Of course, as of now i don't want to know the answer. I don't want to die yet. I wanna live that's why i'm fighting. Even if we have nothing, still I wanna fight. Even if I don't have medicines now because we don't have money to buy for it, I still wanna fight. I will win this battle I just wish as soon as possible... 

Feb 18 2015

Pains through treatments are not the only problem i'm facing or we are facing in this situation. Financially, we are really having troubles. Money for our food, for our daily needs, for all of our household needs, household expenses, everything. Food medications other expenses there are so many things needed to think about. I feel so frustrated but needed not to show because it will just make me feel depress. I know how difficult it is for my mom to think of where to get money for all of these expenses. We have nothing to save, everything is going out. Now we have nothing, even for food. I wish There is a foundation that will help me with my sickness so that my mom's salary will be only for our food and other household expenses. I even wanna go out but can't. I even wanna eat out but can't. I even wanna see other places but can't. I have to consider our finances. I have to consider my mom's budget. I have to consider everything. I should be more considerate more sensitive in our situation. I know my mom is having headaches having problem with our current situation and I don't know what to do to help. She's tired from work and yet still thinking of where to get money for me. As of now, I don't have cyclosporine to take, I don't have insulin to inject and there are other medicines that are needed to buy. I just wish someone or some foundation or institution will help me with my sickness. I don't have insurance to help me. I envy those who have insurance helping them with their sickness because as of me, I have nothing. My mom has nothing backing her up or helping her with our situation. She has so many debts and having hard time to pay them. Maybe I can smile, maybe my mom can smile and even my dad, maybe it didn't show to our faces that we have nothing but the truth we really have nothing. Life... I guess this is our life now. We are indeed in big trouble now :( ...

PARENTS

I guess being a parent is really hard. I'm not a parent yet but seeing my parents make me think that this is a difficult kind of job. A job that has no salary, a job that will need all your efforts. Most of us misunderstood our parents. Their advice makes us think that they're just being too controlling. But I guess they're just being like that because they love us, that they want us to be in good hands. That they want to give us everything but there are times they couldn't just give everything. We should understand them, try to understand them and put yourselves to their shoes. It's really hard to be a parent because there are times you wanted to give all of you but still unappreciated. Though I'm not a parent yet, I'm aware now of how difficult it is to be one. Like seeing my mom right now, thinking of where to get money for my medications, working and still doing some stuff at home, makes me think how difficult our situation it is for her. Seeing my dad doing so many things for me also, gives me an idea of how difficult it is to be a parent. There are teens right now that won't follow their parents because to them they are controlling or they're just misunderstood but parents won't think bad for you so I guess we should listen to them because everything they say is true. The important thing we should learn to have a harmonious family life is to have a good communication. I've noticed that if you have a good communication, things will be different. That misunderstanding will be lessen and that there will be peace at your home. 

Being a parent of a sick person makes more difficult. Like in my situation I can see how hard it is for my parents emotionally, physically, financially. There are times, I'm too much I mean I showed them my ugly side, but then they're just there swallowing everything, swallowing the pain I caused. I'm not a perfect girl, that's why there were times, I was so stubborn and I know that they're mad at me but can't show it to my face as they know I shouldn't be disgruntled. In my present situation, mood swing occurs. There were times I talked to them in high notes there were times I'm fine. I don't know I guess I easily get irritated and that's because of the effects of my medicines. I can see to them that they're just trying to understand me, making it more difficult for them to be a parent. 

Now I kinda understand how it is to be a parent though I haven't really experienced it, still somehow, I can see how difficult it is. That's why we should love our parents more. Show to them how much we love them, even in our own little way.. Love them unconditionally. Give them everything you could. Show them that you are here to help them ease the difficulties they're having, that you understand them and RESPECT them...