march 12 2015

its so frustrating that you know you are the reason why thîngs now become complicated but still theres nothing you can do. that no matter how you think of it you re the reason why they struggle. its so hard to see them stressed out because they have nothing. that even for food is a big problem to them. how i wish i can help them i really want to help them but how. i really dont know right now what to do. im a liability now for my family. its so hard for me i do hope theres something i can do to help them i really have to think of something or else we will not eat anymore.

March 3 2015

Everytime I feel so depressed I just think of things that will make me feel fine. I don't want to think negatively as it wouldn't help me at all. I'm trying to think good things for me to be well. I admit at first I used to think na I wanna die or something, that I can't take my condition anymore but that was before, I think in my early fights but now, No way I wanna fight for my family. I wanna fight because I still want to do something for them. Yun nga lang things are so difficult for us for the present. As financially we're struggling. As of present we're having problems even in finding money for our food. I really don't know what to do now to help my family.. My blogs always contain this that we are now struggling financially. Hay life... I can't even go out la budget but that's fine what's important is that I'm ok and alive that's what my mom says... She keeps on saying that. Even though we're struggling still I'm alive and she thinks that's what important... I just wish we can still survive this.... GOD WILL PROVIDE I know and we're just giving surrendering everything to the Lord. I know He's helping us. In God's time I know I'll be well...  

Feb 27 2015

Life right now for us is so difficult. Having financial problem is really hard. My mom is really having hard time thinking of where to get some money for our food and other expenses especially my medicines. Having Aplastic Anemia is so hard in lot of aspects especially financially. It saddens me that we have to suffer like this. My parents don't deserve to experience this. I know I shouldn't but been thinking that why do we have to experience this kind of predicament. I know I shouldn't ask why, but there are times I'm asking why do we have this predicament. Its really difficult for us. Hard to think of things to do to support this family. Moods are affected already. I know there are people who don't believe that we are suffering financially, but yes we are. Its hard to think of ways to find money, its hard to think of where to get money for food and other expenses. Expenses are there monthly, and so as my medicines. Been asking help luckily somewhat there is but there are times no help at all. I know I shouldn't just wait for some help but what should I do. If only I still have my strength I will do something about this. But everytime I work, I'm so stress and it affects my hemoglobin. I just hope there are something I can do to help my family with this. I really want to help them. God will provide, they say. Its true and I believe in that. I'm not losing hope, I know He's here to help. God pls help us... 

In another topic, even though I'm disapproved again to google ads, I will still continue writing my notes here in my blog. It lessen the stress I have by sharing my thoughts... THis is my personal notes and more often than not it includes about my feelings and emotions so I guess it doesn't qualify in their category. They want something the readers will learn and I guess my notes don't qualify to it... That's fine I guess, there's nothing I can do ... 

Death Feb 20 2015

DEATH

I just wonder if I die will there be people going to cry, will there be people going to my wake, will there be people going to be sad because i'm gone. Well I just thought of it last night. It's not that I'm losing hope nope of course not, i'm still fighting, it just came to my mind since I wouldn't know if there be people loving me and will be sad if I left. I'm just curious. I don't know why. I'm always curious about everything and one of which is how many people will be sad if you left. I just wish I touched lots of people's lives for them to be sad when I left. It's not that I want them to be sad or what its just I wanna know that I touched people's lives, that somewhat I managed them to love me as me. I love to know but will never have an answer to this curiousity. Of course, as of now i don't want to know the answer. I don't want to die yet. I wanna live that's why i'm fighting. Even if we have nothing, still I wanna fight. Even if I don't have medicines now because we don't have money to buy for it, I still wanna fight. I will win this battle I just wish as soon as possible... 

Feb 18 2015

Pains through treatments are not the only problem i'm facing or we are facing in this situation. Financially, we are really having troubles. Money for our food, for our daily needs, for all of our household needs, household expenses, everything. Food medications other expenses there are so many things needed to think about. I feel so frustrated but needed not to show because it will just make me feel depress. I know how difficult it is for my mom to think of where to get money for all of these expenses. We have nothing to save, everything is going out. Now we have nothing, even for food. I wish There is a foundation that will help me with my sickness so that my mom's salary will be only for our food and other household expenses. I even wanna go out but can't. I even wanna eat out but can't. I even wanna see other places but can't. I have to consider our finances. I have to consider my mom's budget. I have to consider everything. I should be more considerate more sensitive in our situation. I know my mom is having headaches having problem with our current situation and I don't know what to do to help. She's tired from work and yet still thinking of where to get money for me. As of now, I don't have cyclosporine to take, I don't have insulin to inject and there are other medicines that are needed to buy. I just wish someone or some foundation or institution will help me with my sickness. I don't have insurance to help me. I envy those who have insurance helping them with their sickness because as of me, I have nothing. My mom has nothing backing her up or helping her with our situation. She has so many debts and having hard time to pay them. Maybe I can smile, maybe my mom can smile and even my dad, maybe it didn't show to our faces that we have nothing but the truth we really have nothing. Life... I guess this is our life now. We are indeed in big trouble now :( ...

PARENTS

I guess being a parent is really hard. I'm not a parent yet but seeing my parents make me think that this is a difficult kind of job. A job that has no salary, a job that will need all your efforts. Most of us misunderstood our parents. Their advice makes us think that they're just being too controlling. But I guess they're just being like that because they love us, that they want us to be in good hands. That they want to give us everything but there are times they couldn't just give everything. We should understand them, try to understand them and put yourselves to their shoes. It's really hard to be a parent because there are times you wanted to give all of you but still unappreciated. Though I'm not a parent yet, I'm aware now of how difficult it is to be one. Like seeing my mom right now, thinking of where to get money for my medications, working and still doing some stuff at home, makes me think how difficult our situation it is for her. Seeing my dad doing so many things for me also, gives me an idea of how difficult it is to be a parent. There are teens right now that won't follow their parents because to them they are controlling or they're just misunderstood but parents won't think bad for you so I guess we should listen to them because everything they say is true. The important thing we should learn to have a harmonious family life is to have a good communication. I've noticed that if you have a good communication, things will be different. That misunderstanding will be lessen and that there will be peace at your home. 

Being a parent of a sick person makes more difficult. Like in my situation I can see how hard it is for my parents emotionally, physically, financially. There are times, I'm too much I mean I showed them my ugly side, but then they're just there swallowing everything, swallowing the pain I caused. I'm not a perfect girl, that's why there were times, I was so stubborn and I know that they're mad at me but can't show it to my face as they know I shouldn't be disgruntled. In my present situation, mood swing occurs. There were times I talked to them in high notes there were times I'm fine. I don't know I guess I easily get irritated and that's because of the effects of my medicines. I can see to them that they're just trying to understand me, making it more difficult for them to be a parent. 

Now I kinda understand how it is to be a parent though I haven't really experienced it, still somehow, I can see how difficult it is. That's why we should love our parents more. Show to them how much we love them, even in our own little way.. Love them unconditionally. Give them everything you could. Show them that you are here to help them ease the difficulties they're having, that you understand them and RESPECT them... 

Aplastic Anemia a Disease for rich people

My mom calls my condition as rich people's disease. Why? Because you have to have lots of money for the treatment. Apparently we're not rich. We are financially lack and right now as to the present I'm thinking of where to get money for my medicines. I don't have supplies already and my mom is thinking of where to get money for my medicines. I know how difficult it is to think hardly and work. She's the only one working as my dad is taking care of me. I feel so useless that I want to do something but I can't cause I'm too weak to do that. That I want to work and earn even a bit for my family. I feel so frustrated that there's nothing i can do to help. In my earlier years of having this condition, every time I feel frustrated I think of negative things but now, I guess I still have to be positive and just given everything to God. I prayed for His guidance and help. I do hope we'll have money for my medicines. Even our food is our problem now. My mom can't even go to the market to buy some food for us. To be honest we have nothing in our fridge. :( I don't know why we have to experience this but I don't want to ask I shouldn't ask I shouldn't complain because everything happens for a reason as they say. I just wish that people will never stop supporting me helping me in their own little way. That we'll have money for my medications... I know people will think, why NEsa always asks for help, why won't she do something to earn for her medication well if only i'm strong enough to work I will. At the moment i'm not that strong, my knees are weak and i can't work. I can't afford to be stressed as it affects my condition. Even depression affects it So even if we have financial problem I still have to be positive all the way.  It is so hard to see your family suffers because of your condition. If only there's something I can do to help I will definitely do that. :( 

I was so happy yesterday as I went out. For me, it makes me happy just to see other faces. People just walking around, eating, laughing and more. It also made my day seeing those employees doing zumba. I never expected to see them sweating and dancing. Well it's for their health. I'm glad to see them wearing their zumba outfits. I love to watch them. Actually I kinda felt jealous cause at present I can't dance. I so miss dancing I even asked my daddy if I will be able to go back dancing. I doubt as my knees are so weak. I do hope that when I got back my strength I wish I will be able to dance again even zumba. I will of course exercise for me to lose weight. As of now I'm so fat because of my medications.. Also I do hope that my blood sugar level will back to normal.

I was so happy I just hope that one day I'll go out again to see other faces. Just staying at the mall makes me a bit happy already. Then just eat afterwards. Simple things like that makes me feel happy. No really need for shopping. Just staying there is fine with me. 

Dad and I had bonding yesterday and that was really a great day for me. I'm contented with things like that. I don't have to shop just to be happy. I know we don't have money to shop. What's important is that I went out and just see other faces. As of now, i'm contented with it. I know our situation and I know we have nothing to shop. I'm glad to have bonded with my dad yesterday. Just the two of us :) ... Maybe next time mama will be with us and Jaboy as well. Hoping for that soon.. :) 

And since I went out yesterday, then today I just have to stay home :) .. Just rest, surf the net, watch tv, my usual things. Mama will not allow me to go out again, I might get viruses and it won't help my condition. Also I really have to rest. I shouldn't get out often since my condition is not that stable. But as of now, from the time my impacted tooth was extracted, I felt a bit fine. Well wait and see if there will still be swelling of my mouth after the operation. I just wish I won't feel any pain. 

I just hope and pray that I get well as soon  as possible for the doctors to get rid of most of my medicines especially those who's side effects are so terrible. And I hope that I'll always feel this good. 

Thank u Lord for making my day yesterday. For making me feel good today and hoping that will still feel ok in the future. :) .. Thank u Lord for everything that u have done for me and my family. That even if we are lack financially, we are still here, loving each other, stick to each other. But of course I'm hoping and wishing and praying that u will help us financially for our needs like food especially my medicines for me to get well. Thank u Lord... :)

MY 7TH YEAR AS AA FIGHTER

Today is my Lola's birthday and Today I'm on my 7th year of being a fighter of Aplastic Anemia. It has been a long boring journey for me. As of the present, I kinda feeling all those side effects my medicines are giving my body. I just wish this ends soon but unfortunately I know it wouldn't. I'm glad I'm alive and that's what important. As of now, I'm kinda hoping to go have money to just go out and see other people.. Been at home for years just surfing the net, facebooking, looking at the four sides of our house and just staring at our cat. I can't play with her. This journey of mine is a bit boring. Boring in a sense that I can't walk freely. I can walk a bit but can't for long distances. I easily get tired. I'm using wheelchair and I don't know for how long. I can't even ride a jeepney that I really missed. I can't lift myself in those kinda high stairs for me. Sometimes I even have hard times lifting myself in tricycles hehe.. That's how weak my knees are right now. I even use my cane in walking but now I'm trying to walk without it. 

I think, since this is my 7th year, I think, I'm kinda fine. Of course transfusions are still present and part of the treatment, medicines and pains.. For these past years especially this past year, my 6th year, I felt pains especially inside my mouth. swollen gums, impacted tooth, mouth sores everything and I just had my wisdom tooth (impacted) extracted. Having this disease is kinda hard. Now I have diabetes and hypertension as well because of the medicines I'm taking. I'm taking insulin now and maintenance for hypertension. Hayst there's a lot of things associated with this disease. 

I really wanted to visit Kamay Ni Jesus again not just for the healing mass but just to see the place.. I felt good when I was there. I even wanted to visit the shrine of St Pio and even Manaoag. I really want to go out and just see people it makes me feel good... 

Maybe if I can go out I will share more stories here in my blog. This is just my public journal. Its nice feeling to write something and share to people even if you're having hard time writing in english hehe.. I'm trying hard to write in english here as I wanna practice and also needed in this blog. 

I so missed going out, eat with my parents out and just do nothing. hehe.. I missed going out with friends also. Going out with them, laughing with them even if I don't have money just being with them is the best. I love my family, friends and relatives....

7 years is not an achievement. Imagine, I extended my life for another 7 years. Even if there are lots of trials during these years still I survived it and still fighting with the help of my family. I'm glad that I'm still alive. God is really good :) .. I know He has something for me and my family that I just wish we knew. I just missed being active again. Right now, my knees maybe weak but I will fight, i will still fight.. I can do this and with the help of my family I know I can... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME and to my LOLA as today is my 7th year as AA Fighter :) .. AJA... 

Being at home is so boring. Nothing much to do. Though the doctor told me to do something around even just wiping the table or something, still i feel so bored. I wanna go out but so hassle for me and my dad. I'm too heavy and I know he's having hard time pushing and pulling me on my wheelchair. I just wish I have time to go out. Another problem would be we don't have money to spend for just going out even for malls. Trips or transportation expenses would be expensive since I can't ride a jeep. I just wish to ride a jeepney but I really can't. I really wanna go to SM and just wander around. To see other people just walking around you. Just eat in fast foods. Just take pictures, groupie, selfie. Hayst I really wanna go out apparently I really can't. Have to stay at home. 

Well actually will be out soon since I have to go to dentist for my extraction of my impacted wisdom tooth. I will go out just to visit the dentist and then that's it. Will have to rest afterwards since I should be careful so that it won't bleed much. They're worried that I might get much bleeding but I'm positive that it wouldn't bleed much. I just hope this surgery will go well. That I wouldn't feel pain. That the dentist will take care of me well. That the dentist that my dad will talk to today will be my dentist forever and that they will accept me even if i'm a special case. That I will never feel pain. I just wish things will work well. After going to the dentist I have to rest for couple of days another boring days... LIfe.. This is my life now. Hayst boring life... Just staying at home... I just wish one day we'll have money for us to go out and just enjoy life...

Seeing these people in Tacloban makes me think that I'm still lucky even if I'm sick. These people had nothing after that tragic even in Yolanda and now they're still surviving and fighting. Then I guess I should fight as well this battle of mine. We have our own battles in our lives, mine is having this disease. Pope is right we have Mother Mary brother Jesus we have them helping and guiding us so I shouldn't lose hope in this fight of mine. I should stay positive keep on fighting even if I feel much pain nowadays. I should stay strong for me and my family. I should keep on fighting. I will try my best to keep on fighting this disease cause I know God is here for me. He is helping me in any way possible, so I should do my part in any way possible. I shouldn't lose hope even if I have so many pains now I should stay calm I should stay standing. I can win this battle like those who had AA as well. I will fight I will fight... 

What I learned in following Pope's visit is that I should never lose hope that I should increase my faith to the Lord. That no one can help me but God and the power of prayers. I learned that I should stay positive.  That whatever happens God is always here. Teary eyed while watching His mass at Tacloban. Seeing these people touched my heart. I should be as strong as them. I salute them for being so strong. I should be strong  I can win this fight... 

I used to complain about my pains seeing these people make me think I'm so stupid. They're much in pain but never complained but me,, just for some pain i asked why do i have to feel this and keep on complaining. I think starting now, I shouldn't complain much and just embrace the fact that this is my condition now. This is my gift not a curse. God has given this to me for a purpose. I just wish I know that purpose is. Anyways I should still be thankful because I'm still alive...  

Seeing Pope's smile makes my day. Really makes my day. I feel like seeing God in him and that gave me hope in surviving and fighting my disease. I am so thankful that He visits the Philippines. Even if I just see him on tv still gives me hope in surviving and fighting.

Today is my Lolo's birthday. As I can recall when we were kids he used to feed us bread with his favorite cheese Ques O and coffee. Every morning me and my cousin wake up having these on the table. :) .. We were so lucky to have him as our lolo. I love him so so much and I really missed him. Though I don't want to see him haha as I'm afraid but it's ok if he'll show up in my dreams or just let me smell his perfume like what he used to do when he died. I missed those times I slept with him. I used to stay with him everytime my parents need to go some place. I so missed my lolo. It's been years since he was gone but I can still remember how he was when we were together. He maybe not the perfect lolo but for me he was the best :) . I so love him and every breath I have right now in this extension of my life are all dedicated to him. I know that he's here guiding me helping me to recover in this sickness and I know that he never fails asking the Lord to extend my life for my family. He knows how much my parents love me even if I'm such a hard headed person... 

Since its your birthday Lolo, Let me greet you the happiest birthday ever. May you always stay happy and contented and may you always guide me in this journey of mine. I know that you are happy now that you are with the Lord and with Lola just pls guide us me my family and your whole family remaining here in this world. We all need you lolo, your guidance. We all love you and I know one day we'll meet again but not too soon :) haha As I'm not ready yet. Thanks for everything lolo happy happy birthday... 

I've been in medication since 2008 and because of that my teeth are so affected now. I have swollen gums and it is so painful. Right now, I'm having problems with my mouth, so painful. I even cried because of the pain. I'm taking medicine for the pain now. The medicine is for 5 days it's an antibiotic and afterwards if the swelling if not yet over I can continue taking the medicine for another set of 5 days. The swelling is because of taking too much medicine for a long time I guess. Having this disease is so hard. Been shouting to people surrounding me because of the pain. They even don't know what to do to me, for me. I even don't want to eat as it's too painful and so hard to swallow food. Its really so hard. As of now I kinda feeling fine but still under antibiotic for the swelling I do hope this pain will  end soon. I'm so heartbroken due to these pains I'm feeling. I just hope I'll be well... 

Long break / vacation is over and tomorrow everybody is back to reality, back to normal and so do I. Will definitely stay at home, hehe nothing changed. That's my life. I think I gained weight again from those foods I took during Christmas till New Year. Been eating a lot hehe.. Actually I really don't know why is it so nice to eat, it gives somewhat happiness haha. I love eating apparently I shouldn't cause I have a diabetes. Being sick is so hard. There are times I feel so frustrated but then I know that's part of it. All of a sudden you just feel down about yourself. Tomorrow is the start of work again for many and as for me, nothing changed, I'll just stay home, surf the net, watch tv, sleep. That's my life hehe since I had this condition. Anyways I have no complains about it. I already accepted that fact. I just wish I have electric wheelchair so that I can go out even alone. But then, it is so expensive so I guess it'll just part of my dream of having. Hay that's life I guess. We're just poor and can't afford even my medicine. My mom's salary is for our food and other expenses only. Anyways, I guess I'll just keep on dreaming maybe one day I'll have an electric wheelchair  that someone will donate it to us hehe. Well I just hope so. Another thing is that honestly I wanna go and visit St Pio Shrine in Sto Tomas Batangas apparently we don't have a car to use. I can't commute as I hardly walk and using wheelchair hmmm. One day we'll go there. Can't afford to rent a van quite expensive for us. Hmm I know one day me and my family we'll go there. I just hope as soon as possible. Also I wanna go back again to Our Lady of Manaoag :) .. Really a great place. Hmm how I wish. ..